Can I post this?

I'm still questioning whether I should post this. Every couple of months, I feel a little to introspective thinking about life and how I'm not where I expected to be. First problem: too many "I"s in that sentence. I may not be where I expected, but God knows where I am. He sees me. He holds the map. It's even better than a Google Map. It's a God Map. ;)

So here's the real post.

Do you ever feel like you're swimming and not moving?

I feel like I've been in the same place for the last 6 years. I'm coming up on the divider birthday between early twenty's and late twenty's. I'll officially be in my mid-twenties. And it makes me want to run; hard and fast as far as I can go. I feel like I'm missing the milestones that I should have reached at this point. I really didn't plan on making college my career, honest. Yet here I am 6 years into it and I have 2 more to go. And that's just for the BA!

I've never been asked out on a date.

I've been asked to dance once and accepted. Really, I don't bite, I swear. I've been to a lot of dances but in 4-H your chances were slim since there were 3 girls for every guy. Girls in 4-H had to take initiative to get a dance and in my mind that would be "forward". Civil War Balls involved bribing my brother to dance with me if no one asked and then elbowing or tromping on his toes so he would ask since the etiquette required boys to ask.

A boy brought me flowers, once. He was single; he was cute. He was five.

I know a lot of this is my own fault though, there are things about me that need to change.
My grandmother's voice adds to my list: wear brighter colors, wear makeup, smile at boys, flirt, make eye contact. For the record, I do make eye contact. ;)

Someone is getting married. I'm told "All the good ones get taken first". Gee thanks.

"So are you dating yet?" Every time a relative visits, this question never fails to be asked. Note to self: I need more creative answers...

I'm at a wedding (couple years ago) and a newly married friend leans over at the end with a "you'll be next!" Next in relation to what? And here I thought only grandmothery types doled out that one.

I met one other person who had never been asked out. We were both in our early twenties. Less than six months later, she was engaged. God works fast doesn't he! :)

The nice part about starting over in a new place is that no one really knows how old I am unless they ask. Most just assume I'm about 21 since I'm a junior transfer student. And FYI not wearing makeup helps with that assumption.

The funny thing is I like being single. I enjoy my freedom, time and space. I feel that I've used this time wisely. I think the trouble stems from seeing what's important to the world/culture and using that as my measuring stick. I just don't like being thought of as a failure and I feel like the world and even people in the church see me as that.

I'm different. I'm on a special God mission. He has a plan just for me and it doesn't look like anyone else's plan. I may be running right now but I'm running to him.

Commit your way to the Lord, hope in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
- Psalm 37:5-6

One Year

God,

It's been one year since you turned my life upside down. You took my dreams and said you had something better. Left me wondering what my next step was.
I was comfortable; You changed that.
I had to depend on you.
Really depend.
My heart hurt. I felt betrayed.
Why me? Was something wrong with me?
Instead I was given a new life. New challenges.

My dreams are still befuddled. I'm not sure what to dream or if it's even safe yet. I know your dreams are better but I keep trying to peek around the bend to see what's next.
I thank you for this year.
You've given me a richer life than I hoped for.
It still hurts sometimes when I think about what I'm missing:
the people, the happenings, the changes, the growth.

But you've promised something better.
I'm trusting and waiting for your timing and wisdom to be revealed.

Soli Deo Gloria

School Story: Part One

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.
- Colossians 2:6-7

(School Landscaping)

When I arrived at school, the first week was chaotic and overwhelming. I had expected mounds of homework but when it started coming... I was ready to run. I was fine and enjoying the experience up until the middle of my third class that first day.

I had visited enough that the school felt comfortable; I had navigated the shuttle system, and I had previewed most of the class assignments online. In the middle of that third class, I was ready to drop a class and run for the hills. Nothing was harder but I had started worrying about all sorts of extra issues. I hate worrying. It doesn't help and it just makes life harder.


The verse from Colossians reminded me of what my focus should be on. The Lord led me to this school. If it had gone my way, I would have been done 3 years ago, attending the big state school near my house and living at home. I also would have gone through a program of study that wasn't appealing and had to fight to get into overcrowded classes.

Instead, I found out that my position was ending at church in the end of February. I had a applied to this school an hour away from home (an hour and half away from church). School plans had fallen apart so many times before that I really didn't think that I was going or if I did go that nothing at home would have to change. I could keep working and living at home and commute. I went to visit the school for the first time on a Monday, a less than a week after I found out that I wouldn't have a job in a few months. I started to get excited, the school was more than I had hoped with small classes, service learning and a rigorous senior project. I had been excited about the school when I applied but that had faded, I wasn't sure what God really wanted at this point.

(Campus artwork by students)

When I got home from the visit, there was the acceptance e-mail from the school! It had arrived before I even left for the visit.